I ain’t no battyman but if I was this lot would be my top 5, right here:
Now, those of you that know me, know I’m really manly and shit. Apart from being shit scared of all insects and planes, and not being able to do anything with my hands but type 5,000 words a minute and deep-rub boots #7 protect and perfect on my face, every hour, or so.
D.I.Y. Fuck off, mate.
One time, in the past, I took a gay test and turns out I’m 40% gay. I’m cool with that… sounds about right.
I don’t think it means 40% of your sex’s have pee-pee’s. No, it means, that if I was 11% more queer I’d be a proper little shirt-lifter.
Anyways, since it’s Saturday night and I have my Cosmo beside me I’d though I’d share with my three or four readers (Hi Mum) the top 5 best looking geezers in the world, in my 40% opinion.
In no particular order, other than descending:
V:James. Tiberus Kirk
I like Kirk for lots of reasons. The fact that his middle name’s Tiberius is just the most important one.
That new Kirk from the JJ. Abrams version ain’t bad, I suppose, but he’s seems to in touch with his emotions (now that’s fucking gay) for my tastes. Modern, Kirk, prick.
I like my men to be manly, to have people die around them every week but still take red shirted lambs to the slaughter week after week, to be able to scream Kaaaaannnnn! with great passion, to fuck green ladies and have the first interracial kiss on TV with a really fit black bird.
And, I have no doubt, Shatner hit that in his trailer in real-life before looking at Mr. Sulu and winking. Sexy-arse 23rd Century misogynist.
IV: Bob Marley
Despite the fuck that he’s ‘alf a Scouse this dude is pretty as fuck and most importantly his mind is beautiful (Wow… very gay!).
I can just imagine me and Bob being married living in Jamaica, man and smoking weed all day and cursing Mussolini as a fat little prick. “Make the trains run on time but you’re still a bitch, fat man. I smoke weed all day and look at my six-pack. Italian wanker” etc.
Talking about fitness… have you seen any footage of him playing football, i just wish he was in 1970s short-shorts?
Shame, Bob died two years before I was born and from what I ‘ear… really liked the skirt. Can’t blame him, really. He was a beauty.
III: Vince Vaughn
I can imagine me and Vince getting boozed up at a Cubs or Blackhawks game, shouting lots of manly shit about sports then going back to his high rise overlooking Lake Michigan or my crib in Humboldt Park (Doubt it) and getting real “comfy” in a jacuzzi.
I like funny men. He’s a funny man and he’s from Chi-town so I wouldn’t have to go to far to get my kicks. Also, Chicago accents are fucking sexy. You ain’t breathing if you don’t agree with dat fucking cheezzzborger shit.
II: Don Draper
He’s so conflicted. Don Draper what a good looking dude. That hair, those tight suits, the way he takes of his hat and coat when he gets home to Betty’s dinners, smelling of lunch-time poonanni.
Deep down, Don’s a good guy. He’s smart and creative and he’s a challenge. He’s sexy because the one that can make him not be a cheater saves him. I’d save the fuck out you Draper… if only Oprah was around in the 60s.
I: Bruce Springsteen
The boss of 40% of my heart.
Let’s face it, America is the sexiest country that’s ever existed. There’s a reason why so many immigrants came/come here.
Lady Liberty’s still fucking red-hot. Come here and be a taxi driver for a few years or make a load of green-backs and feed the beautiful myth.
Bruce is the personification of this land. He looks, sounds, and thinks like America. To “feel” Bruce you’ve got to be American, that’s how you know you made it, baby. You’re in, you little yank prick.
Watch some Youtube shit of Bruce (not that one with Monica from friends though… it’s distracting) and you’ll see what I mean.
Even if you don’t (probably because you’re a little stoopid Euro-Peon) look at those fucking beautiful sweaty arms glistening.
Oh, Brucey boy! 11% more and I’d push you’re shit in, you lucky bastard. I love you por vida. xoxo.
“In the end… Nobody wins, unless everybody wins.”
